When Hiring Without Training Goes Wrong
Twice recently, I have had a female supervisor get “help” within the workplace to protect her from men. “Thanks, he was getting aggressive. I thought he was going to hit me”. Really? One episode was hear-say from my perspective, so I can’t comment on that. The second… well… I was the help to keep her from getting beat up — Let me share.
First off, I believe I need to be truthful and alert you to the fact that I like the people in the story. I am not writing this to bash anyone, but rather to point out the voids that are created when we fail to exercise leadership appropriately. To protect the innocent – let’s call her “Lupe”.
On the first day of tech training involving I.T. training, working with Laptops and Phones that are provided by the “Company”, one man was like “I can just do this from my phone”. That is a big no-no with the company. My understanding is that he was sternly corrected about doing so and didn’t enjoy the correction. I am told he began to get belligerent and tossed a phone onto the table in exasperation. That action led to the cry for assistance among the other females on the shift. I was teaching a class down the hall, and our resident male in charge was off-site handling company business. To my understanding, the ladies were able to fire the worker from class, which also means getting fired from his job. As I heard the story later, I kept thinking about what irrational people we must have in class to lose a job over something so trivial.
Still, there was Lupe on lunch. He wouldn’t listen to me. He wouldn’t let me finish speaking. He got so aggressive, that I thought he was going to slap me. I was scared. Thank goodness you came to help me. (stated to the other ladies in the room). I assured her that teaching or not if there was an altercation and she needed assistance to come to get me. I reminded her the building we are in has security at the front of the building. I wasn’t there so I am taking the story at face value.
The next day… I am back to teaching a room of 60 people. Things are going well. My class breaks for lunch before the other class, so I pick up lunch for my co-trainer. When I enter the room – her class is on break so there are people coming and going and conversing in little pods. Suddenly, I hear “Kurt, I need you!”
I turn and Lupe is talking to a gentleman. I approach.
Immediately upon my arrival, Lupe starts talking at a hurried pace. “I need you to talk to this man, he will not let me speak. I am trying to tell him…” Then he kicks in “You aren’t letting me talk”. This goes back and forth for about two minutes and I throw up a hand. They both go silent.
“Sir, can you tell me in your own words what is going on?”. Lupe begins to speak – I shoot her a look to silence her. He speaks, calmly and like a man with maturity. “I was sitting in my seat, taking notes, paying attention. I turned in my seat to look behind me, and this girl – I think you call her “Maria (another fake name)’ tells me to turn around and pay attention? I tried to explain to her that I was, but she started telling me I wasn’t paying attention, walking around and goofing off.” This time – while he is speaking – I stay still and make eye contact. He goes on “I am a grown-ass man. This girl is putting stuff on me that I was not doing and I didn’t appreciate her tone. When I went to confront her about it and speak to her, This other lady came up and started with me.”
Background story — Maria is Lupe’s daughter. Lupe is fairly new to the position.
When the man was done speaking, I paused and let the silence take hold for about 15-seconds. Then I spoke. “While I wasn’t here to see it, by what you described to me, I can see how you may feel that was demeaning. We do have a lot of assistants sitting in classes to ensure people are on task because quite honestly — it’s a very long day with a lot of material and many are not passing the simulation test at the end of the day. I can assure you the intention is correct and our goal is to help as many pass as possible, but what I can take away from your description is a poor delivery – would you agree?”
The man agreed. I then assured him further. I told him that Lupe was the supervisor on duty and that we held debrief meetings as trainers, every session. I assured him that better delivery of messaging in the classroom would be a topic I was sure Lupe would cover. I then turned to Lupe “Would you agree with that?”. Lupe had a bizarre response that went one sentence too long.
“Of course. It’s a good thing you guys could work that out because I can see that you listened to Kurt because he is another man.”
She did not say this in a malicious way, or with a crappy twang on it – but rather expressed it as a matter of fact. I was flabbergasted on the inside and I may have uncontrollably made a face as the two men in this conversation were left staring at each other in confusion. I apologized to the man and encouraged him to make the best of the rest of his day, then announced I was going to the trainer’s office to eat my lunch.
Lupe followed me. As we were walking into the room she said “Thank goodness you were there. He wouldn’t let me speak. He was getting aggressive and I was scared he might hit me.” What?! Having a disagreement with someone is not normally an immediate thought to violence. I just asked, “Have you been beaten before? (It’s a tough – direct question, but would provide an answer if ” Yes”) This is two days in a row where you are saying you think co-workers are going to hit you”. She said she hadn’t but then went on to elaborate how men usually won’t listen to women, and the narrative that has been formed in a recent culture began to escape from her lips.
I asked her if she knew about the book – Action Leadership From the Edge. She didn’t but was excited which made me feel good. I offered to break down the latest scenario with her and she consented. I never offer to coach people unless they say they are willing. Otherwise, it’s a wasted effort and I just look pompous. I asked her… what was he angry about. Lupe wasn’t sure. So I recounted the story.
Me: “What was the first thing I asked?”
Lupe: “You asked him what happened”
Me: “What did I do while he explained in two or three sentences what his issue was”
Lupe: “Nothing”
Me: “I looked him in the eyes… how soon did I speak?”
Lupe: “You spoke as soon as he was done”
Me: “Did I?”
Lupe: “Oh no, you waited. “
Me: “Correct. Not too long, but long enough for him to know I was giving his words thought” “What did I tell him first?”
Lupe: “You understood how he felt.”
Me: “Correct. I validated him first so he might open up to a new idea or point of view.” “From his point of view, he doesn’t want what he considers a snot-nosed punk calling him out in class to pay attention and take notes when by his definition – he is.” “He just wanted to be heard – not argued with.”
We talked a little more about Communication and Leadership. What gets me is this. I can completely understand the optics of many companies, especially larger ones, trying to level things out a bit with all these Diversity, Equity and Inclusion hires. The thing is, they should be training these people. Lupe honestly believed this man listened to me solely because I am a man, not because I am a lifetime learner of Communication and Leadership. When you have an altercation with a customer, student, co-worker… It Ain’t What You Think. The core reason for the disagreement needs to be exposed and that comes from asking questions, listening and problem-solving. This man wasn’t pissed Lupe is female… he’s pissed that he was demeaned by one worker, and spoken over by the supervisor instead of being heard.
I love teaching in large environments and interacting at scale. However, over the last couple of years, there has been an amplification of “That’s because I am black. They single me out because I am gay. They won’t listen because I am a woman.” Culture has ushered in a bevy of opportunities right now for diversification. Companies are actively seeking Black, Hispanic, Female, and LGBTQ+ people. Here is the rub. They will give you the spot, but rarely be brave enough to point out your gaps in soft skills. They will rarely invest in your people skill training. Truth is, many are scared that if they point out your gaps in skills you will sue them — because after all… you are Black, Hispanic, Female, or LGBTQ+. Your suit would be based on something like – they are trying to erase my sense of personhood. It’s a horrible situation all around. Someday we will get back to the “Most qualified gets the gig – period”, but we have some stuff to fix first.
Big picture – the job needs to be done. Most business folks don’t care about who you get naked with or the level of melatonin in your skin. They need a job done and pay to get it done. Doing the job really well and committing yourself to excellence is not a breach of your culture or personhood.
Remember – It Ain’t What You Think… look deeper.
